Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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