yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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