i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
