I met the friendliest cop last night
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
