I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
