when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
