i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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