Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Enjoy the penises
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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