I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
