Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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