I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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