Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Randomize
