Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
