If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
