I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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