Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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