I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
There's always time for handjobs
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
