i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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