Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Randomize
