I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
