I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
