i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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