I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
