my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
