I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
