Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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