some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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