good thing vaginas are great cup holders
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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