I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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