They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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