new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
