A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Randomize
