Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
