thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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