It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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