I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
