You can't special order awesome
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
