In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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