Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
