What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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