I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
