did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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