I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
