the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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