You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
