I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
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