i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She even gives head with a lisp.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Randomize
