one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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