I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
