Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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