My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
