Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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