Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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