Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
