he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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