A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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