Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I just gargled with NyQuil
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
