I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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