Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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